Well...
Title pretty much what's up.
I'm just really worried about the future of where we are going to live next month... how packing is going to be... etc...
And now I'm getting that awful jealous feeling again. Isn't that just lovely?
This would all be fixed if I had a best friend... but alas I don't. But I want to know WHY I keep thinking about this!! :(
I don't WANT to think about it, and I don't honestly care right now!
This is... just not the time to be thinking about that crap. I mean I've gotta move in 58 days, and I still have to pack my room up and start cleaning it... which will be a big pain.
I'm not really like crying worried about moving anymore, I've accepted that fact.
There is nothing I can do.
But its still stressful, especially about the future. But its really weird because I can't get myself so worked up about it that I cry like I normally do...
And the same thing with my "friend" problem if you want to call it that.Though right now I'm thoroughly upset about my "friend" problem...
aaaaahhhhhh.... make it stop.... X(
I don't get why this is such a big deal for me! I don't want to think about this but I can't help it! It's like somethings forcing me to think about it... oh my gosh this is irritating the heck out of me...
Well, at least I'm up a step from this; I'm not crying... that's an up. :) hehe...=/
I guess tomorrow will be better... I hope...
-Jazmine
Writer, crazy horse girl, artist, musician, stage actress, sister, daughter, and follower of Jesus Christ... Passion and love are my everything
Wednesday, June 30, 2010
Monday, June 28, 2010
My Secret Life: Falling apart ='(
I am terrified right now... my whole life is being thrown out of balance... =(
First back in March my dad told me that he was in danger of being paid minumum wage in August... and now... the owner of our house we're renting, he's decided that he wants our house as a summer home for HIMSELF. ='( Does that jerk even know what the state is going through?! Either that or he doesn't care... I'm so scared....
Our house is being taken away from us, and we have 60 days to move! I've accepted that we're gonna move... but August is 2 months away!
And I'm really scared that dad's gonna have minumum wage pay, I am so upset... and so scared... I've come to the conclusion that the owner has no heart whatsoever. I thought he was just going to move back her to LIVE here. But A SUMMER HOME!!!
How could he do that?! He can live with out a summer home! He should have a summer home where it's sunny, this place is never sunny. FAR away from here! Like in Africa! Where he'd take a boat and get caught in a storm and drown at the bottom of the ocean and rot!
I had respect for him wanting to move back here and live here before I knew he wanted to use this place as a summer home!!!!!!! ='( ='( ='(
I hope he gets deathly ill and falls down a cliff breaking his neck... no person with a heart, or even just a brain would be so cruel and mean! And I thought I'd come in contact with people like this only in my books and books I read.
Well, I'm going to stop writing. So, I guess I'll update this through the long cold journey of hell...
First back in March my dad told me that he was in danger of being paid minumum wage in August... and now... the owner of our house we're renting, he's decided that he wants our house as a summer home for HIMSELF. ='( Does that jerk even know what the state is going through?! Either that or he doesn't care... I'm so scared....
Our house is being taken away from us, and we have 60 days to move! I've accepted that we're gonna move... but August is 2 months away!
And I'm really scared that dad's gonna have minumum wage pay, I am so upset... and so scared... I've come to the conclusion that the owner has no heart whatsoever. I thought he was just going to move back her to LIVE here. But A SUMMER HOME!!!
How could he do that?! He can live with out a summer home! He should have a summer home where it's sunny, this place is never sunny. FAR away from here! Like in Africa! Where he'd take a boat and get caught in a storm and drown at the bottom of the ocean and rot!
I had respect for him wanting to move back here and live here before I knew he wanted to use this place as a summer home!!!!!!! ='( ='( ='(
I hope he gets deathly ill and falls down a cliff breaking his neck... no person with a heart, or even just a brain would be so cruel and mean! And I thought I'd come in contact with people like this only in my books and books I read.
Well, I'm going to stop writing. So, I guess I'll update this through the long cold journey of hell...
Monday, June 21, 2010
My Secret Life: Irritated
Well, right now I am extremely irritated with my father.
He's being all "worried" about my health because I sit on my butt all day HE thinks, its not MY fault I don't have no one to hang out with! Its not MY fault I'm not up out and running around constantly because my mom actually WANTS to homeschool me and let me do my schoolwork instead of running around all day! UGH!!!!! He makes me so angry sometimes!
And then he's also not here at all during the week, so how does he know I don't get up? Which I DO get up. I get up and dance to my music on my iPod, I get up to go to the bathroom, eat, take a break... walk around the house. I can name probably ten more things of what I get up for.
>:( He irritates me sometimes.
Now him and mom are arguing because he wants her to calculate and actually time me for how long I sit at my desk until I get up........... do you realize how OCD that is??
I don't even sit at my desk for 2 hours straight!!! I get up after probably 20 or 45 minutes!
Unless I'm really procrasinating and I'm doing my school at 4o'clock in the evening I don't stay at my desk for that long... geezes.
Well, I guess I'll move on to other things. I didn't really do much today... my brother, dad, and grandpa got back from Nascar this afternoon. And then I hung out with my friends/neighbors Nicole and Whitnee. So that was fun. =) Especially because Nicole made me laugh alot haha.
And it was beautifullly sunny yet again. :) Which I am very happy about. I'm waiting for dark clouds to come back and pour down on Humboldt though lol.
Yeah... things are better now I have to say. I'm a lot happier, and I guess things are just a lot brighter. I don't know what it is but something's changed in my life. I think maybe I just hit a level of maturity, I've really honestly stopped dwelling on depressing facts and tried to focus on other things, like music. :D And summer... and writing... and horses!!
Oh! And midnight showing of Eclipse!! I am SO SO SO SO SO excited for that!!! XD
I'm gonna go see it with my friends Michaela, Abby, and Caprice! :D
But theres still some issues that need to be worked out heh... I'm still really hopeful that it'll work out though. :) And then also getting the tickets and everything... I am BEYOND anxious about getting them. Because I know what a wide and humungous phenomenon it is.
And how many really big fans and diehards there are in the 3 biggest cities I live near and in alone.
eeehhh.... O_O Gosh I hope I can get tickets for all of us... X( That would SUCK if I couldn't get them!! Idk when I would be able to go out with my friends to the movie in July now that I think about it... youth group is doing all sorts of stuff this summer.
Well, I'm gonna go. :) bye!
-Jazz
He's being all "worried" about my health because I sit on my butt all day HE thinks, its not MY fault I don't have no one to hang out with! Its not MY fault I'm not up out and running around constantly because my mom actually WANTS to homeschool me and let me do my schoolwork instead of running around all day! UGH!!!!! He makes me so angry sometimes!
And then he's also not here at all during the week, so how does he know I don't get up? Which I DO get up. I get up and dance to my music on my iPod, I get up to go to the bathroom, eat, take a break... walk around the house. I can name probably ten more things of what I get up for.
>:( He irritates me sometimes.
Now him and mom are arguing because he wants her to calculate and actually time me for how long I sit at my desk until I get up........... do you realize how OCD that is??
I don't even sit at my desk for 2 hours straight!!! I get up after probably 20 or 45 minutes!
Unless I'm really procrasinating and I'm doing my school at 4o'clock in the evening I don't stay at my desk for that long... geezes.
Well, I guess I'll move on to other things. I didn't really do much today... my brother, dad, and grandpa got back from Nascar this afternoon. And then I hung out with my friends/neighbors Nicole and Whitnee. So that was fun. =) Especially because Nicole made me laugh alot haha.
And it was beautifullly sunny yet again. :) Which I am very happy about. I'm waiting for dark clouds to come back and pour down on Humboldt though lol.
Yeah... things are better now I have to say. I'm a lot happier, and I guess things are just a lot brighter. I don't know what it is but something's changed in my life. I think maybe I just hit a level of maturity, I've really honestly stopped dwelling on depressing facts and tried to focus on other things, like music. :D And summer... and writing... and horses!!
Oh! And midnight showing of Eclipse!! I am SO SO SO SO SO excited for that!!! XD
I'm gonna go see it with my friends Michaela, Abby, and Caprice! :D
But theres still some issues that need to be worked out heh... I'm still really hopeful that it'll work out though. :) And then also getting the tickets and everything... I am BEYOND anxious about getting them. Because I know what a wide and humungous phenomenon it is.
And how many really big fans and diehards there are in the 3 biggest cities I live near and in alone.
eeehhh.... O_O Gosh I hope I can get tickets for all of us... X( That would SUCK if I couldn't get them!! Idk when I would be able to go out with my friends to the movie in July now that I think about it... youth group is doing all sorts of stuff this summer.
Well, I'm gonna go. :) bye!
-Jazz
Friday, June 18, 2010
My Secret Life: Mixed feelings
The title is pretty self explanetory. =)
And then also on a side note right now I'm shivering because there is a spider crawling on my wall and I'm trying to figure out how to catch it...EWWW!!! I hate spiders!!! (and its big!)
Sooo... yeah... anyway; life's been rough, as usual... not that anyone said it would be easy right? heh. =/
Wednesday horseback was better than I expected. =] And I'm definitely looking forward to next week. I really hope I get to ride Laredo or something, I miss riding him and Bailey.... but someone was on Laredo and Bailey the lesson before mine.
But riding Buddy was fun anyway. =] He's got a great canter/lope.
Soo yeah, and onto today. Well, the subject of the day is how I am either deluding myself into thinking this or something else... buut... basically I don't like the fact that I don't have a best friend to sum it up. Not that it's anything new... =/
I hate sounding like a spoiled brat but I'm not! I am SO not a spoiled brat! I just feel so empty inside... its really hard to explain without someone being in my body and feeling what I'm feeling. I hardly even understand what I feel, the only thing I know is that I want to grow up and grow up fast so I can get out of this hell hole.
My friend who I will not name says she cares about me but I have a really really really difficult time believing it.
Now, either I am telling myself lies... but I honestly have doubts about our "friendship" if you want to call it that.
UGH...
Anyone who tells me they wish they could go back to fourteen I'm gonna punch them.
*sighs*
I really need to start reading my Lies young women believe book... idk even know why I'm waiting for my youth group to start something not for another month.... but yet I want to do it with people my age...
I guess I could handle it, I take it as a good sign that I didn't break down crying last night. I was actually pretty happy, I had fun figuring out what sound Kangaroos make and making a new language called Kangarooin with Mistea lol.
Its *snortsnort*chewchew*, i just said "hello" in Kangarooin lol!
So I think I'll definitely go back next week, I don't see why not, even though I forgot a lot of stuff that Danny taught because my brain shut down because I was so exhausted from trying to go to sleep at 10 and not falling asleep until 11:15 at night.
There was also a lockin, which I did not stay for because I was so tired to... =/ The hard floor didn't agree with me in my opinion. I would probably stay if I had a foam pad thingy to sleep on.
Two of them.
And sooo... besides that, I finally found some great words to make into my song. Basically about what I'm going through right now... I put a bulk of it down on paper earlier this afternoon... so yeah, today I have mixed feelings about everything.
And I'm gonna go get ready for bed now so I can finish watching Blind Side, so... I'll write tomorrow if I feel like it. bye.
-Jazzy
And then also on a side note right now I'm shivering because there is a spider crawling on my wall and I'm trying to figure out how to catch it...EWWW!!! I hate spiders!!! (and its big!)
Sooo... yeah... anyway; life's been rough, as usual... not that anyone said it would be easy right? heh. =/
Wednesday horseback was better than I expected. =] And I'm definitely looking forward to next week. I really hope I get to ride Laredo or something, I miss riding him and Bailey.... but someone was on Laredo and Bailey the lesson before mine.
But riding Buddy was fun anyway. =] He's got a great canter/lope.
Soo yeah, and onto today. Well, the subject of the day is how I am either deluding myself into thinking this or something else... buut... basically I don't like the fact that I don't have a best friend to sum it up. Not that it's anything new... =/
I hate sounding like a spoiled brat but I'm not! I am SO not a spoiled brat! I just feel so empty inside... its really hard to explain without someone being in my body and feeling what I'm feeling. I hardly even understand what I feel, the only thing I know is that I want to grow up and grow up fast so I can get out of this hell hole.
My friend who I will not name says she cares about me but I have a really really really difficult time believing it.
Now, either I am telling myself lies... but I honestly have doubts about our "friendship" if you want to call it that.
UGH...
Anyone who tells me they wish they could go back to fourteen I'm gonna punch them.
*sighs*
I really need to start reading my Lies young women believe book... idk even know why I'm waiting for my youth group to start something not for another month.... but yet I want to do it with people my age...
I guess I could handle it, I take it as a good sign that I didn't break down crying last night. I was actually pretty happy, I had fun figuring out what sound Kangaroos make and making a new language called Kangarooin with Mistea lol.
Its *snortsnort*chewchew*, i just said "hello" in Kangarooin lol!
So I think I'll definitely go back next week, I don't see why not, even though I forgot a lot of stuff that Danny taught because my brain shut down because I was so exhausted from trying to go to sleep at 10 and not falling asleep until 11:15 at night.
There was also a lockin, which I did not stay for because I was so tired to... =/ The hard floor didn't agree with me in my opinion. I would probably stay if I had a foam pad thingy to sleep on.
Two of them.
And sooo... besides that, I finally found some great words to make into my song. Basically about what I'm going through right now... I put a bulk of it down on paper earlier this afternoon... so yeah, today I have mixed feelings about everything.
And I'm gonna go get ready for bed now so I can finish watching Blind Side, so... I'll write tomorrow if I feel like it. bye.
-Jazzy
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
My Secret Life: Another day...
What do you know? I'm blogging again! =)
Ugh... but man am I beyond bored right now... I need more zest in my life! I'm tired of being at home all the time... =p Phooey, well at least starting tomorrow I'll be out doing things instead of sitting at home all day. I want to do something exciting for once... =/
Annnnd... I'm just a tidbit nervous about horseback tomorrow. But I guess that's normal, but what's really annoying is I'm nervous almost every week on Wednesday. I'm wondering if Kaela is going to be there tomorrow, this is going to sound terrible, but I kinda hope she isn't. I like Kaela and all, but she is kind of a jerk sometimes if she's not in a good mood.
But then it could be just me, and then also she treats me like crap unfortunately because I was the only kid in my class... well not really. But when she's in not such a good mood she treats me not as good as she treats the other people, but then also they don't screw up like I do.
But I'm getting better!
AH! I'm so nervous that I won't be able to do the sinch thingy right!! =( I really hope I can have the guts enough to say; "can you please check my sinch I'm not sure if its tight enough?"
I'm way to nervous... =/ I really wish I could get rid of that part of my personality. =(
Sooo yeah...
Other than that my cat Annabelle caught a bird today... brought it in the house... I felt so bad for that poor little thing. It was mangled though, I think it was a baby but it didn't look like it. My dad found a nest in the bushes out in our front yard when he was trimming them and thankfully caught it. Though he made the parents angry. lol
And then later on our neighbor Ronja found one of the baby birds on the ground, I guess they can't fly yet. And I'm betting that Annabelle probably caught it when it was on the ground most likely. I think the bird that she caught was a white crowned sparrow, but I don't know that for sure... it could have been a female bird or something... but the bird didn't have a white head like white crowned sparrows do.
Uhhh... so yeah... that's pretty much all I've got to write today.
I keep saying I'm going to write more songs, but I've never actually sat down to do that haha. Well, I'm going to go... I still have some reading to do for school.
-Jazz
Ugh... but man am I beyond bored right now... I need more zest in my life! I'm tired of being at home all the time... =p Phooey, well at least starting tomorrow I'll be out doing things instead of sitting at home all day. I want to do something exciting for once... =/
Annnnd... I'm just a tidbit nervous about horseback tomorrow. But I guess that's normal, but what's really annoying is I'm nervous almost every week on Wednesday. I'm wondering if Kaela is going to be there tomorrow, this is going to sound terrible, but I kinda hope she isn't. I like Kaela and all, but she is kind of a jerk sometimes if she's not in a good mood.
But then it could be just me, and then also she treats me like crap unfortunately because I was the only kid in my class... well not really. But when she's in not such a good mood she treats me not as good as she treats the other people, but then also they don't screw up like I do.
But I'm getting better!
AH! I'm so nervous that I won't be able to do the sinch thingy right!! =( I really hope I can have the guts enough to say; "can you please check my sinch I'm not sure if its tight enough?"
I'm way to nervous... =/ I really wish I could get rid of that part of my personality. =(
Sooo yeah...
Other than that my cat Annabelle caught a bird today... brought it in the house... I felt so bad for that poor little thing. It was mangled though, I think it was a baby but it didn't look like it. My dad found a nest in the bushes out in our front yard when he was trimming them and thankfully caught it. Though he made the parents angry. lol
And then later on our neighbor Ronja found one of the baby birds on the ground, I guess they can't fly yet. And I'm betting that Annabelle probably caught it when it was on the ground most likely. I think the bird that she caught was a white crowned sparrow, but I don't know that for sure... it could have been a female bird or something... but the bird didn't have a white head like white crowned sparrows do.
Uhhh... so yeah... that's pretty much all I've got to write today.
I keep saying I'm going to write more songs, but I've never actually sat down to do that haha. Well, I'm going to go... I still have some reading to do for school.
-Jazz
Monday, June 14, 2010
My Secret Life: Taking it day by day.
Well... I don't know what I'm really blogging about right now. To be honest my life isn't too exciting right now...
But, I thought I'd try. =) I don't really have anything much to say... *sighs*
Well... I guess first off my horseback lesson has changed to Wednesdays and to a High school group. I haven't been to that class yet, and I'm kinda nervous... =/ I'm worried I won't be able to keep up with them because Corrie says they're a little more advanced than I am... ugh... well I guess I shouldn't have to worry about anything.
I was doing a makeup class in a much more advanced class than I was, and now I know how to canter and I can handle pretty much all of the horses there... well the ones that I've ridden lol.
I guess what I'm really only worried about is the girth... I'm afraid I won't be able to get it tight enough heh. Well, we'll see how it goes on Wednesday... I just hope to God they put me on Bailey, Laredo, Brownie, or Kobe!
More so on the ones I just listed minus Brownie... Brownie's stubborn lol. I still don't have the hang of him, and plus I don't ride him literally barely ever.
The ones I ride the most are Bailey and Laredo. Mostly Laredo though...
Bailey & Laredo are my favorite boys there, I can't think of anything I don't like about either of them that would make one of them more of my favorite than the other one. But then Laredo also tries to bite me when I am tightening his girth... well he just get's angry lol. Not so much biting...
I think it'll go well. =) I don't see why it wouldn't... unless something goes terribly wrong. And Corrie has faith that I am a good enough rider that I can handle something like that, and be able to ride good enough to keep up with the rest of them... I think I could use a bit of a challenge personally. I just reallllllyyy hope I can get the girth tight enough... because if I can't that will mean me falling off... =/
Well, I'm gonna go. I gotta go get ready for bed.
-Jazmine
But, I thought I'd try. =) I don't really have anything much to say... *sighs*
Well... I guess first off my horseback lesson has changed to Wednesdays and to a High school group. I haven't been to that class yet, and I'm kinda nervous... =/ I'm worried I won't be able to keep up with them because Corrie says they're a little more advanced than I am... ugh... well I guess I shouldn't have to worry about anything.
I was doing a makeup class in a much more advanced class than I was, and now I know how to canter and I can handle pretty much all of the horses there... well the ones that I've ridden lol.
I guess what I'm really only worried about is the girth... I'm afraid I won't be able to get it tight enough heh. Well, we'll see how it goes on Wednesday... I just hope to God they put me on Bailey, Laredo, Brownie, or Kobe!
More so on the ones I just listed minus Brownie... Brownie's stubborn lol. I still don't have the hang of him, and plus I don't ride him literally barely ever.
The ones I ride the most are Bailey and Laredo. Mostly Laredo though...
Bailey & Laredo are my favorite boys there, I can't think of anything I don't like about either of them that would make one of them more of my favorite than the other one. But then Laredo also tries to bite me when I am tightening his girth... well he just get's angry lol. Not so much biting...
I think it'll go well. =) I don't see why it wouldn't... unless something goes terribly wrong. And Corrie has faith that I am a good enough rider that I can handle something like that, and be able to ride good enough to keep up with the rest of them... I think I could use a bit of a challenge personally. I just reallllllyyy hope I can get the girth tight enough... because if I can't that will mean me falling off... =/
Well, I'm gonna go. I gotta go get ready for bed.
-Jazmine
Tuesday, June 1, 2010
My Secret Life: Pictures page added! + update on my life
Hey! I added some pictures, if you look its kind of faded but there is a "My Snapshots" link thingy below the title page of my blog.
I added some awesome pictures from my Fort Bragg trip... =)
Annnd... as for life for me right now... not so sure. Its a roller coaster for one thing heh. =/
Trying to keep my focus on Him and not on the hurtful pains of this suckish teenage life I'm having right now.
It seems like almost every time I turn around I get hurt... it honestly sucks. I get all nice and normal happy, and then SMACK!!!! Satan: "HAHAH!!!"
It's hurtful!
I'm trying to fix my problems by being more socialble... since that is actually one of my worst problems and why I'm having so much trouble and being ignored all the time.
Its tough... but I guess I'm just taking it day by day. Even though I feel like I want to just remove myself from all human contact forever at times...
Sometimes I really honestly wonder if anyone would notice I was gone off facebook and youth group... besides a couple people that I know would notice. But the majority of the people at youth group/facebook is what I mean.
Soooo yeah... well I'm gonna go fold some laundry now.
ta ta... idk if I will write again anytime soon considering I have really nothing positive or happy to say at all right now. I'm still healing because of my major depression dive yesterday...
bye.
-Jazmine
I added some awesome pictures from my Fort Bragg trip... =)
Annnd... as for life for me right now... not so sure. Its a roller coaster for one thing heh. =/
Trying to keep my focus on Him and not on the hurtful pains of this suckish teenage life I'm having right now.
It seems like almost every time I turn around I get hurt... it honestly sucks. I get all nice and normal happy, and then SMACK!!!! Satan: "HAHAH!!!"
It's hurtful!
I'm trying to fix my problems by being more socialble... since that is actually one of my worst problems and why I'm having so much trouble and being ignored all the time.
Its tough... but I guess I'm just taking it day by day. Even though I feel like I want to just remove myself from all human contact forever at times...
Sometimes I really honestly wonder if anyone would notice I was gone off facebook and youth group... besides a couple people that I know would notice. But the majority of the people at youth group/facebook is what I mean.
Soooo yeah... well I'm gonna go fold some laundry now.
ta ta... idk if I will write again anytime soon considering I have really nothing positive or happy to say at all right now. I'm still healing because of my major depression dive yesterday...
bye.
-Jazmine
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