My Secret Life: Mixed feelings

     The title is pretty self explanetory. =) 
     And then also on a side note right now I'm shivering because there is a spider crawling on my wall and I'm trying to figure out how to catch it...EWWW!!! I hate spiders!!! (and its big!)

     Sooo... yeah... anyway; life's been rough, as usual... not that anyone said it would be easy right? heh. =/
     Wednesday horseback was better than I expected. =] And I'm definitely looking forward to next week. I really hope I get to ride Laredo or something, I miss riding him and Bailey.... but someone was on Laredo and Bailey the lesson before mine.
     But riding Buddy was fun anyway. =] He's got a great canter/lope. 
     Soo yeah, and onto today. Well, the subject of the day is how I am either deluding myself into thinking this or something else... buut... basically I don't like the fact that I don't have a best friend to sum it up. Not that it's anything new... =/
     I hate sounding like a spoiled brat but I'm not! I am SO not a spoiled brat! I just feel so empty inside... its really hard to explain without someone being in my body and feeling what I'm feeling. I hardly even understand what I feel, the only thing I know is that I want to grow up and grow up fast so I can get out of this hell hole.
     My friend who I will not name says she cares about me but I have a really really really difficult time believing it.
     Now, either I am telling myself lies... but I honestly have doubts about our "friendship" if you want to call it that.
     UGH...
     Anyone who tells me they wish they could go back to fourteen I'm gonna punch them. 
     *sighs* 
     I really need to start reading my Lies young women believe book... idk even know why I'm waiting for my youth group to start something not for another month.... but yet I want to do it with people my age... 
     I guess I could handle it, I take it as a good sign that I didn't break down crying last night. I was actually pretty happy, I had fun figuring out what sound Kangaroos make and making a new language called Kangarooin with Mistea lol. 
     Its *snortsnort*chewchew*, i just said "hello" in Kangarooin lol!
     So I think I'll definitely go back next week, I don't see why not, even though I forgot a lot of stuff that Danny taught because my brain shut down because I was so exhausted from trying to go to sleep at 10 and not falling asleep until 11:15 at night.
     There was also a lockin, which I did not stay for because I was so tired to... =/ The hard floor didn't agree with me in my opinion. I would probably stay if I had a foam pad thingy to sleep on.
     Two of them.
     And sooo... besides that, I finally found some great words to make into my song. Basically about what I'm going through right now... I put a bulk of it down on paper earlier this afternoon... so yeah, today I have mixed feelings about everything.
     And I'm gonna go get ready for bed now so I can finish watching Blind Side, so... I'll write tomorrow if I feel like it. bye.


-Jazzy